Funny Facebook Updates | Funny One Liners | Funny Sayings | Humour

To steal Facebook status from someone’s wall is Plagiarism, to steal from here is research…Go On, steal it…

People are funny they believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Artificial intelligence can never be match for natural stupidity.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Me without you is like a nerd without braces, A shoe without laces, aSentenceWithoutSpaces :)

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a good meal.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, just forget to pay your rent.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, all you need is to prove that you don't need it.

I thought I wanted a career, but the reality is I just wanted paychecks.

Woman is like blue tooth ,
U r next 2 her,
she stays connected,
u go away,
she finds new device

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Man is like wi-fi,
many devices can connect 2him at a time:::)

You and your rumors have two things in common; you're both fake and you both get around.

Its not true that nobody sees you cry in the rain..
Its just that nobody cares because u choose d rain, instead of a shoulder...

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

According to Women "All Men are same"
Then why do they take so much time to select 1..?? ;)

The best way to end a status conversation in Facebook is to like their last comment.

Fact:  Everyone Wears Left Shoe At The Last.

Don't Agree With It?...
Proof: When We Wear 1 Shoe, The Other 1 Is Left.

Keep Scratching Your Head :-D

Whats d difference between people who pray in Temples and people who pray in Exam Centres?
Those in the exam centers are damn serious...

All the books I have study
Facebook is the best ):

RESPECT THE AGE .................: DRINK GOOD SCOTCH

Teacher:
She Is Kidding…Translated In Hindi…...Student:
…Woh Bachey Dey Rahi Hai....:)

Mom told her daughter the thing between your LEGS is called a Monkey. 12 yrs later the girl tells her Elder Sister my Monkey has started growing HAIR. The Elder Sister tells the Younger one,, u r talking of growing Hair,,Mine has already started eating BANANAS.

 

Father to Son After exam:"Let me see your report card. "son my friend just borrowed it. he wants to scare his parents."

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were giving me a dirty look. I thought your face was that ugly all the time.

Sardar was filling a slambook..He did'nt know the meaning of zodiac sign,He turned to the previous page & saw that somebody had written Cancer,so he wrote LooSe Emotions!!

Can i be your homework, so you can do me everyday

woMen are like commercials;Sound good but you
know it's false advertisement.

 

The Top 10 Things Men Know About Women
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why do women love subway?....it's the only time they can shout in public they want a 9 inch itallian!!

What Is Stress???????
You give a lift to a beautiful girl,
she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital.
Now that's stressful, but at the hospital they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father. You say that you...are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful to prove.
You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests, the doctor says that you are infertile. You are extremely stressed but relieved. On your way back home, you start remembering that you left 3 kids at home...
Who the Hell is their father?
NOW THAT'S STRESS!!

Santa had a dream in which someone murdered him. Next day he closed his bank account. Know why?
Because the bank's slogan was: We make your dreams come true..

Describe “VIRGINITY” in 2 words ?
“CENTER FRESH”…

TRAGEDIES OF BOYS LIFE..

1) GO0D GIRLS R N0T GOOD LO0KING
2) GO0D LO0KING GIRLS R N0T GO0D GIRLS
3) GO0D LO0KING & GO0D GIRLS R N0T SINGLE
4) GO0D LO0KING, GO0D & SINGLE GIRLS HAVE STR0NG BR0THER

 

How ironic is life .....
We spend so much money
on expensive clothes, but the
best moments in life are spent without clothes

Good girls are made with sugar and spice.
Naughty girls are made with vodka and ice.

Theory of Relativity -- Put your hand on a hot stove for a
minute, and it seems like an eternity.
Put your hand on a pretty girl’s hand
for an hour, and it seems like a second...

 

 Advantage of Exercise -: You can die healthy ):

Government officer to his son:
Why did u gets so low marks in your exam ?
Son: keep this 50 rupees n solve this matter.

It is easier to pick up 50kg girl...but difficult to pick up 14.2kg gas cylinder.....

A woman took off he jeans and threw it at her husband and said: "MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!"... the husband removed his jeans threw it at her and said "WASH BOTH

Fighting Scene: Girl: Fuck You♥
Boy: Sure? ;)

A couple went to a wishwell.
Boy bent down,threw a coin and made a wish.
Girl bent down a little more and fell into the well.
Boy shouted,
O God …..It works.............

User: "My computer is running slow"
Tech Support: "How many windows do you have open?"
User: "I'm in the basement, there aren't any windows"...

 

Why is Facebook such a hit?
It works on the principle that-
'People are more interested in others life than their own

Love is a post card; life is a visiting card; wife is a memory card & lover is an invitation card but friendship is a ration card. Keep it safe!

Relationship Status:"Single" "Married" "Divorced" "Complicated"...Hey Facebook, can we get an option that says "Fuck Relationships"?

Height of being Hygenic
Computer student washing his hand by dettol after removing Virus from computer system ):

Last night I put the status
I will sleep shirtless
and I got a notification
when I check d notification
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9 mosquitoes like this ):

 

 

When times are hard & nothing goes our way... Some people turn to GOD & some turn to ALCOHOL.....Either ways, life is being guided by a 'SPIRIT'

The beauty of VODKA is that it looks like WATER The beauty of college is that..... WATER BOTTLES are allowed...! ;-)

Difference between Bad and Worse. BAD-- When your parents found your last night's, used Condom.WORSE- When u have to chew it, to prove that it's a Chewing gum. :-)